Ch-ch-ch-changes

Some people never change.  And some change constantly. Me, I change in these small bursts irregularly spaced through out my life. Not all change is good, nor is it bad.  And I've had chunks of both. Some people don't want you to change, even if it is better for you to do so. And maybe those people don't want to be "your people" anymore. They may not like the newer you, and sometimes the newer you may not like them anymore. Sometimes the parting is mutual, but usually it is not. So, I have changed a lot through my life, both for the better and for the worse. I have lost some good people and shed some bad. Ultimately I am the sum of my experiences, but "non sum qualis eram", loosely translated "I am not who I once was". And that, my dear, is simply reality. And I choose to see it. 

Turn and face the strange

X's and O's

 Stream of consciousness writing January 2004 (edited and formatted)

Begin. Be gentle, go slow. Baby steps, tip toe, tip toe. TicTacToe.  #  X's and O's  Hugs and kisses from an absent mother. Always a note, so I will always know.

"Don't be afraid, I will be back soon XXX OOO." 

One for each of us.  I didn't know, thought they were all for me (or if you were reading all for you.)  

X's are kisses, this is the love, the exuberant, messy "I don't care who knows".  But kisses can leave me cold. There are just too many ways to mess them up. Too slobbery, too hard, like a peck from a chicken, chapped lips, bad breath, have good aim or you'll kiss someone's nostril. The intimacy of allowing someone's lips to touch yours. Your breath, your words come out from your lips. Sustainance, food, drink pass through them. Such a symbolic area. Reserved for VIPS. Unless I have bad breath.
But the O's, the O's were for hugs, the quiet, the strong, wrapping around and holding me up. O's  can be anytime, happy, sad, anytime, long, short, soft, hard, half, whole, A frame, patting the back, side by side, heart to heart.  So versatile, those O's.  I liked them better, I knew I was loved with those.





Love, 
     Mom
     XXX
     OOO

Ex Animo

I used to write in a journal all the time.  I started in high school and continued to do so until about 13 years ago.  I can't explain why I stopped.  I know when I did, it was a very momentous time in my life.  It was a turning point, my whole life changed within a matter of days, hours even.  And for some unknown reason, I couldn't write in my journal about it.  I know because I tried.
And I never went back to writing in a journal like that again.  I have looked through some of my old ones and was shocked (and embarrassed?) to see I wrote about the SAME things over and over and over again.  I remember thinking, all that writing and nothing changed, so what's the point.  Fast forward many years and here I sit...writing.  But this is a "Blog" not a journal or a diary, right?  I don't write the deep dark obsessive crazy thoughts that occasionally surface in my head.  Because now I know I am not unique in having these kinds of thoughts.  Everyone does at some point or another with varying degrees of frequency.  I do write about personal things...kind of.  Most often I allude to them or make them into stories or metaphors (or fives).   So what is the difference?  Here, I write for a pretend audience.  Originally I did that because this is the Internet after all, one of THE most public places in the universe.  I would be uncomfortable, embarrassed to put myself out there like that.  But what is the point of writing if not for some personal benefit?  So, I don't write about what I did on my summer vacation.  I don't write about the food I eat, the clothes I wear, who I saw or talked to......unless I see something larger in it, some connection to something else.  I don't know why I started writing like this, but it has been so much more satisfying than all of the journals I filled for sooooooo many years about how unhappy I was with my life or what boy I was pining after or wondering what should I be doing with my life.  Because ultimately none of that mattered all due to that one point of time in my life that changed everything forever.  
So, let's bring this puppy back around full circle, shall we?  What is the point of this bit of writing today?  The thing that changed my life forever was cancer.  non sum qualis eram: I am not what I once was.  My vision of my life, my purpose, my path was totally blown up.  It pisses me off sometimes, I feel cheated, I feel angry often, I feel sorry for my self sometimes.  I have scars, I have pain, I am missing parts of my body, I am missing parts of my memories but I am lucky to be alive, lucky to have married the best man in the world for me, lucky that my family loves me (in their own strange way....see this written just in case any of them stumble on this post, can't be too sentimental here.  wink wink)   Still haven't come to the point of this post, have I?  I am going to leave it at that, because like I said before this Blog tends towards finding that bigger connection or message in every day things.  So, if this is being read by anyone else than me, it is up to you to figure out the connection that resonates for you.  As for me, I'm going to bed.






Non Sequitur

Apparently I *AM* Chopped Liver

So, I'm not always the most social person.  A lot of time if I have nothing interesting to say, I just stay quiet and this is a trait that has bothered people all my life.  Because, as we know, people like to comment.  As a kid, I never knew what to say to these personal observances.   As an adult, I still don't know what to say.


"You sure are quiet!"  (what do I say to that? okay?)
"You sure don't say much."  (I could agree conditionally, because sometime I yammer on and on.  All depends on the person, the subject, the situation, etc.)
"Well, no one can complain that you talk too much."  (said by an older boy when I was a pre-teen.  Was that a criticism or a compliment?)


We arrive at today.  I have been trying to reconnect through FB with some family members that I stopped having regular contact with.  I invited them to play some fun word games that we could take our turns at leisure and there is a chat window to...well, chat.  All is well and good I thought.  sigh.  Predictably, since it's summer people have been out and about on vacations and so there are longer waits between turns.  No big deal.  But this is the little zinger I get this morning:


Relative One:  sorry to take so long, hopefully (Relative Two)  told you I was camping and out of service
Me:   no, I didn't know
Relative Two:     Hi there! Nice to have you back (Relative Two)! I didn't really think to chat while you were gone. Sorry


Wait, what?  "Didn't think to chat while you were gone."  Seriously?  Seriously??  Wow.  Okay.  What do I say to that?  


Sarcasm:  Sorry I'm not worthy of your conversation.
Guilt-trip:  I'm not so good with chatting lately, things have been kind of rough.  I'm a little down I guess.
Deflect with humor:  Is this thing on?  taptaptap
Passive Aggressive:  Welcome back, chatting just isn't fun without you.
Martyr:  I know I'm boring.
Honesty:  ouch...

Okay, Here is the wrap up and the ultimate question.  You can't control what other people say or do.  I get that, I accept that.  You can only control what you do.  Yep, got it, accept it.  But how do you make yourself not care?  I can let it roll off my shoulders, I can control the impulse to lash out.  I can't control the feelings that come up.  I can't make it not sting.  I can't make myself not care what my family members say or do.  In the end, I can only kick myself for thinking things will be different this time.  Ultimately, I know better...no matter how much hope springs eternal. 








I am pâté, thankyouverymuch.

Rolling, Rolling, Rolling...

Another year has rolled around.  This time we call it an even 20.  Twenty years of marital bliss.  Twenty years of misunderstandings.  Twenty years of inside jokes.  Twenty years of passive aggressive moments.  Twenty years of smiles and 123's and sweeties and I loved you first's and snoring and forgetting and grumping and laughing and crying and tripping over shoes and supporting and disappointing and diving and dancing and catscatscatscatscats.  Life took a hard left turn along the way, but like we always say "It's not important as long as we're together."



123 Mister 1232!

Who Talks Like That?

Phone conversation:

"I cut my hair today, just to warn you...it's short."
"How short?"
"Short, short."
"Mia Farrow short?"
"Yeah, like Winona Ryder short."
"Cool."

I like how we used different references, but meant the same thing...with an unusual economy of words.


`

Blind Leading The Blind

So, my sister says she is coming up from the LA area to visit during her spring break. In those handful of days she'll be here, we will: go lbing, have tea and go to yarn shops. Doesn't sound like a very packed schedule, does it? Muah, ha, ha, ha, ha! How little you know! I forsee stops at AT LEAST two tearooms, perhaps three. I know of a minimum of 23 appropriate boxes I can escort her to so she can break in her boxing teeth. And even though there is only one yarn store on the docket right now, the bubble tea place is just a block away so a visit there is vital, too. I wonder what the final count will be when she leaves? I better start training right now, I only have a couple of weeks to get in shape! Think I'll start with the tea drinking aspect...

Oh Canada

I admit I have a bit of a soft spot for Canada. I was excited when they finally won a gold medal while being the host country. My grandfather was born in Canada. When I was a kid, one of my cousins married a Canadian man and another one lived there with his girlfriend for a while. I remember several visits to the B.C. area, Vancouver Island specifically. I watched Nadia Comaneci explode onto the Olympic scene that summer while in Canada. I even took gymnastics for a short bit after that, but my 12 year old body was not naturally flexible and I struggled. I was introduced to Murchie's Ice Tea mix because of Canada. My brother and I were in heaven when we EACH got a tin of it one Christmas. We didn't have to share! My mother, brother and I visited a friend on a tiny little island, Hornby, and stayed there for several days. I think I was an adolescent pill during the visit, but it created a lasting memory. My mother and I took a memorable trip when I was 17, driving from the bay area to Vancouver in a day and a half. We drove from early in the morning until nine at night when we found a KOA campground and slept in the back of the car. Early the next morning, we woke up and just kept driving. I've been wanting to go to Victoria for a while now, but haven't managed to get things coordinated at the right time. Maybe when Steven retires, IF (that's a big if) we have enough money for frequent travel, I'll be able to see Canada as an adult. Whew, that was a quite the trip down memory lane for me, I'm exhausted! ;-)

Big Brother

My brother is stopping by for two days before he and his wife fly back to Germany. When I saw them a week or so ago in Hawaii for our little family reunion (his daughter now lives there) I had to let them in on my new hobby. Not surprising, he found it interesting at first. But when I hunted down my first out-of-state box he didn't participate and just sat on a bench (fairly far away) with his wife. I guess it just seemed silly to them. My sister however was VERY interested and went on two more hunts with me before we left. Back to present, big brother and wife are wanting to go to the outlet mall in Vacaville (I've already been in that area), I have now suggested Petaluma because it would be a nicer drive, etc. Part of me thought, hey I could check out boxes in the area! But I have discovered, gosh I don't like sharing something I enjoy with people who don't seem to enjoy it. Takes all the fun out of it. Part of me also wonders, if my brother would actually get a kick out of it. He's a big goof, like me and my sister. Oh well, guess I'll never know.

Happy Versa-annary

We have been married 19 years today. Through hell and high water. Through ADD and CFIDS. Through hives and cancer. Whew... Not much exciting today though. Had dr. appointments, went to lunch, re-planted a missing letterbox, filled rx and now am hiding in the house because I'm just too tired to deal with trick or treaters (though we bought candy just in case). Newest "interesting" thing about me...may have sleep apnea or hypopopnia. Oh I also have anosmia ever since I had the flu, I just didn't know it had a name. My doc thinks that is the silliest name for not being able to smell odors. I said it might as well as been called Nosmellum. Yay, more health issues... (said in a monotone.)