It's been probably 7 years since she died. They played "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwo'Ole at her memorial. I break down every time I hear it...still. I also don't talk about it. So...this is me trying to let go.
Patricia was my "cohort". We were in a breast cancer support group together, it was part of a study to see what type of therapy is most beneficial to breast cancer patients, regular group vs. variety (group, art therapy, education, yoga, etc.) After the initial study was over, she was the only I kept in touch with over time. She kept in touch with everyone, she was the glue. I went to a "Survivors Day" in GGP with a friend and met her there, because she was a fierce survivor and wanted to celebrate it. Even when she had a recurrence. The last time I saw her was several months before she died. I met her at Kaiser and sat through a chemo drip with her. We laughed and talked and talked and talked. I talked with her on AOL for a while after that, but then she became quiet. Then I got the email from her partner saying that she had died. For about 6 months after her screen name would still pop up on the IM thingy they had then. Every time, my gut reaction would be to smile and think "Hi Patricia!"...then I would remember and realize it was her partner, taking care of the business of life.
I went to her memorial alone. Steven can't go to things like that, it hits too close to home for him, but I needed to go. I was in pain with muscle spasms and in a mental fog. Patricia. Dead. Damn. I sat in the back of the Swedenborgen Church in SF and listened and cried and held hands with the strangers on either side of me. Then I tucked it all in the back of my head and went on with life. Until I would hear THAT song. Then it all comes back, every time, just as strong, and I don't tell anyone. Until now. I miss my friend, Patricia. I am afraid, too. When will that be me? Because someday, it will. And no amount of good intentioned "get hit by a bus" pep talks people give doesn't change the fact that one of my "buses" has already turned the corner and is heading towards me and all I can do is hope I've gotten out of the way in time.
I haven't bought a ticket anyway.
