When I was a young, angsty teenager, I read in a book by Hugh Prather this quote, "If the desire to write is not accompanied by actual writing, then the desire is not to write". I was rather taken by that book, Notes to Myself. In retrospect, I wish I wasn't such an impressionable teenager looking for guidance from someone "older and wiser". Hmmm, let me re-wind a bit.
I have been cleaning out a lifetime of accumulated stuff. I've always been good at regular "spring cleanings" and getting rid of the excess, but not as fast as I have been stacking stuff in corners and putting in boxes to stow on shelves and in closets. I have been unearthing a lot of past life residue. I have found things I still can't bear to part with (a plastic plate my mother made for me that says "Laurie the Star") , things I am making myself part with because it is not healthy to hang onto them (old diaries) and things I can't believe I've kept for all these years.
Which leads us to the above mentioned book. I found it buried somewhere and it brought back a rush of memories. I remember pouring over this book, highlighting passages I thought were profound and meaningful. (Yes, highlighting...shut up.) I remember thinking people like the author must know how things really are and I need to learn from their words. Sheesh, I'm lucky I wasn't targeted by a cult, I bet I would have fallen for it hook, line and sinker. Back to the book and the rush of memories. I started leafing through the book and reading the "thoughts". The more I read, the more my nose wrinkled. I seriously fell for this self-indulgent psychobabble? I started to feel bad for the younger me and wished I hadn't been so hard on myself for not living up to impossible ideals. For whatever reason, the quote "If the desire to write is not accompanied by actual writing, then the desire is not to write" stuck with me, because I have often felt that desire to write, without anything happening. Then I must not REALLY want to write, I would think with my conditioned mind. Well, the adult me says, "Poo on you, Hugh!" Sometimes I write, sometimes I don't, sometimes I want to and sometimes I don't. But it doesn't fit into a nice little bowl of chicken soup. So this is me writing, this is me writing about nothing in particular, this is me writing my thoughts at this moment that are subject to change at any moment. I symbolically toss all those old self-recrimination out with that dog eared, highlighted copy of one of the early "self-help" books. Unfortunately, our younger years are formative, hence the term formative years. It's not as easy as it sounds and I am still very susceptible to the written words of others. I have since replaced Hugh Prather and Richard Bach with the likes of Jenny Holzer and Steven Wright, because I have discovered I like to mix relevance and absurdity. To me, that is a reflection of how life REALLY is...the relevance/absurdity thing... not the actual quotes. As brilliant and clever are they are they are still someone else's and I need to find my own.
I still like to use quotes though....
