What to do on Oct. 1st
44
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Ex Animo
I used to write in a journal all the time. I started in high school and continued to do so until about 13 years ago. I can't explain why I stopped. I know when I did, it was a very momentous time in my life. It was a turning point, my whole life changed within a matter of days, hours even. And for some unknown reason, I couldn't write in my journal about it. I know because I tried.
And I never went back to writing in a journal like that again. I have looked through some of my old ones and was shocked (and embarrassed?) to see I wrote about the SAME things over and over and over again. I remember thinking, all that writing and nothing changed, so what's the point. Fast forward many years and here I sit...writing. But this is a "Blog" not a journal or a diary, right? I don't write the deep dark obsessive crazy thoughts that occasionally surface in my head. Because now I know I am not unique in having these kinds of thoughts. Everyone does at some point or another with varying degrees of frequency. I do write about personal things...kind of. Most often I allude to them or make them into stories or metaphors (or fives). So what is the difference? Here, I write for a pretend audience. Originally I did that because this is the Internet after all, one of THE most public places in the universe. I would be uncomfortable, embarrassed to put myself out there like that. But what is the point of writing if not for some personal benefit? So, I don't write about what I did on my summer vacation. I don't write about the food I eat, the clothes I wear, who I saw or talked to......unless I see something larger in it, some connection to something else. I don't know why I started writing like this, but it has been so much more satisfying than all of the journals I filled for sooooooo many years about how unhappy I was with my life or what boy I was pining after or wondering what should I be doing with my life. Because ultimately none of that mattered all due to that one point of time in my life that changed everything forever.
So, let's bring this puppy back around full circle, shall we? What is the point of this bit of writing today? The thing that changed my life forever was cancer. non sum qualis eram: I am not what I once was. My vision of my life, my purpose, my path was totally blown up. It pisses me off sometimes, I feel cheated, I feel angry often, I feel sorry for my self sometimes. I have scars, I have pain, I am missing parts of my body, I am missing parts of my memories but I am lucky to be alive, lucky to have married the best man in the world for me, lucky that my family loves me (in their own strange way....see this written just in case any of them stumble on this post, can't be too sentimental here. wink wink) Still haven't come to the point of this post, have I? I am going to leave it at that, because like I said before this Blog tends towards finding that bigger connection or message in every day things. So, if this is being read by anyone else than me, it is up to you to figure out the connection that resonates for you. As for me, I'm going to bed.
Non Sequitur
And I never went back to writing in a journal like that again. I have looked through some of my old ones and was shocked (and embarrassed?) to see I wrote about the SAME things over and over and over again. I remember thinking, all that writing and nothing changed, so what's the point. Fast forward many years and here I sit...writing. But this is a "Blog" not a journal or a diary, right? I don't write the deep dark obsessive crazy thoughts that occasionally surface in my head. Because now I know I am not unique in having these kinds of thoughts. Everyone does at some point or another with varying degrees of frequency. I do write about personal things...kind of. Most often I allude to them or make them into stories or metaphors (or fives). So what is the difference? Here, I write for a pretend audience. Originally I did that because this is the Internet after all, one of THE most public places in the universe. I would be uncomfortable, embarrassed to put myself out there like that. But what is the point of writing if not for some personal benefit? So, I don't write about what I did on my summer vacation. I don't write about the food I eat, the clothes I wear, who I saw or talked to......unless I see something larger in it, some connection to something else. I don't know why I started writing like this, but it has been so much more satisfying than all of the journals I filled for sooooooo many years about how unhappy I was with my life or what boy I was pining after or wondering what should I be doing with my life. Because ultimately none of that mattered all due to that one point of time in my life that changed everything forever.
So, let's bring this puppy back around full circle, shall we? What is the point of this bit of writing today? The thing that changed my life forever was cancer. non sum qualis eram: I am not what I once was. My vision of my life, my purpose, my path was totally blown up. It pisses me off sometimes, I feel cheated, I feel angry often, I feel sorry for my self sometimes. I have scars, I have pain, I am missing parts of my body, I am missing parts of my memories but I am lucky to be alive, lucky to have married the best man in the world for me, lucky that my family loves me (in their own strange way....see this written just in case any of them stumble on this post, can't be too sentimental here. wink wink) Still haven't come to the point of this post, have I? I am going to leave it at that, because like I said before this Blog tends towards finding that bigger connection or message in every day things. So, if this is being read by anyone else than me, it is up to you to figure out the connection that resonates for you. As for me, I'm going to bed.
Non Sequitur
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